Breathe Life

Dear Son,

In less than 4 weeks, I will be in Ukraine to find you and bring you home. It's taken longer than expected, but the extra time has allowed me to get better prepared for the journey. I have followed many other parents as they write about their experiences in the adoption process in Ukraine. I feel as prepared as I can be. Even so, I am petrified! ':shock:'

This will be my last blog entry on this site. I have created my own website to keep family and friends posted with info and pics. I will save a copy of this blog for you to read someday.

So, it's just a matter of time and we will be getting to know each other and get our lives on the track they were meant to be on! Hang in there.

Love,
Dad

Dear son,
I have been very fortunate to have many visits with my grandmother over the past couple of years. Everytime we met, she asked about the adoption and was so excited about you joining the family. I was excited for her to become a GREAT Grandmother and finally get to meet you this Fall. That's why it broke my heart when she passed away last week. I flew to Texas for the funeral this weekend. There, at the cemetary, lie the gravestones of my mother, brother, grandfather and grandmother. I know they are in a better place and surley working to open a clear path for you and me to find each other. You are my "happy thought" that keeps me going and knowing that life is a gift. I can't wait to share it with you. Hang in there, I'm on my way!!
Love,
Dad

The Invitation letter has arrived! I will be flying out to find you and bring you home in August. The actual appointment with the NAC is August 3rd!! Yippeee !!

Love,
Daddy

Helllllllloooooo my son,

I'm sorry it's been so long since I posted. So much has been happening (and not happening) that I felt a strange aversion to writing my thoughts down. I could bore you with another long list of cities that my business travels have taken me, or I can just cut to the chase. I received word from my facilitator that I will be given an August appointment and that I should receive my official appointment letter in the mail soon. This is 6 months past the time I had hoped and planned for, and will result in the expiration of my dossier. So, I start all over and re-do all of my paperwork, re-pay my fees, have everything notarized and appostilled. I've done it once - I can do it again. There are a couple of positives in this otherwise depressing and frustrating setback. One, I can save more money. And two, the weather in August is considerably nicer than in February. There is a small chance the appointment could be moved up. Rumor has it that the current Director (nasty, corrupt and vile) will most likely be replaced once the new Ukrainian President has time to make the changes in Government that he has promised to do. One thing is for certain - there is no way in hell of knowing or having any level of confidence how or when things will progress. And since I know you are hanging in there, I will do the same. I will post again once the letter arrives.

XOXO ~ Daddy

Dear Son,

Are you ready for the latest list of my travels? Houston, Conroe, Galveston, Dallas, Fort Worth, Wichita Falls, Amarillo, Lubbock and Abilene! Yeehaww!! There has not been any news since my last update, but, at least more time has past which means we are getting closer to finding each other. You are probably not aware of all the political unrest in your country, but I am saving articles for you to read someday. So far, things are looking good for a new Ukrainian president that will work to bring about positive change.

I am still hopeful for a late January or early February appointment. However, I can't say I'm too excited about the freezing snow that will be awaiting me :shock: You'll be home, in Florida where it's nice and toasty! In the meantime, I am sending you warm fuzzy hugs every night. Sweet dreams..... xoxox, Dad.

Dear Son,

Good News! We received our approval/registration number yesterday!! Wahooo (doing a little dance)!! :lol:

I immediately wrote a letter requesting an appointment sometime between Jan 15th-Feb 15th. Most likely, it will be February or March. If it moves beyond that, then I will have to redo the entire dossier. But don't you worry, I'll do whatever it takes to find you and bring you home! Now, we wait some more for the NAC to reply to my appointment request.

Rumor has it, that they are not sending out confirmation letters until after the new year. It seems that policies change almost daily in Ukraine, so there is no sense in getting all stressed out - just go with the flow.

I like to imagine that all of these delays are necessary moments of fate that will create just the right conditions for us to meet.

Love,
Dad

Dear son,

Well, here it goes; I am long overdue for an entry. As usual, travel has played a big part in my absence. Since I last wrote, I have been to Houston, Dallas, New York, Burlington, and Seattle. In addition, we have braved 3 hurricanes in the past 5 weeks. Although, the truth be known, the real reason I haven’t written until now is because I have been holding my breath in fear and anticipation as I wait for the NAC to approve or reject my dossier. I finally received word (almost 6 weeks late) that my dossier was rejected. I was completely caught off guard. Two reasons were given. 1) My employment letter was not signed by the notary and 2) they claimed my Home Study was not valid because it was done by a licensed Psychologist.

After I calmed down, I researched their claims. My US facilitator was the one who provided my employment letter and her mom was the notary, so it is highly unlikely that there was a mistake. However, just to be safe, they are re-doing my letter and over-nighting it to me to send back to Ukraine. As for my Home Study, it is valid. In the state of Florida, psychologists are licensed to perform Home Studies for adoption. Once this fact is clarified with the NAC, we should be good to go. Nonetheless, there are still many obstacles to overcome. Married couples take priority according to Ukrainian law and they have no problem making sure singles understand that – especially single men.

I must confess, when I first received the rejection verdict, the wind was blown out of my sails. I seriously questioned whether I had what it takes to follow through with this effort. I realized the potential for pain and failure was high. After so much loss in my life, why would I set myself up for more? Then two things happened. I remembered that I do not believe in failure and my aunt sent me a link to a story that reminded me why I started this journey in the first place. That was all I needed to put me back on the road to you.

While at the convention in Seattle this weekend, I met a deaf man in the booth next to mine. He had the most adorable 2 ½ year old son named Jasper. It didn’t take long before Jasper was coming to me and offering me some candy. Actually, he was offering me to open the candy for him. We quickly formed a friendship and throughout the day Jasper would notice me, smile and come running over. I laughed inside myself as I realized the absurdity of me even considering giving up my quest to bring you home.

So, with that said, please hang in there. I’m on my way and nothing will stop me.

Love Always,

Dad

Dear son, As usual, I am off and running. I leave today for Jacksonville, St. Augustine, Tallahassee and Gainesville. I am definitely at the point of burnout when it comes to travel. Originally, I figured I would be on my way to find you sometime in October. Now, however, it is looking more like February. This is making the light at the end of the tunnel a little dimmer. :( Just so you're up to date (as if you are checking email and surfing the web), our dossier was completed, translated and submitted to the NAC in Kiev on July 5th. By my calculations, we should be able to find out a status in the next 2-3 weeks. To occupy my time in between travels, I have been researching names. We need to have some names ready in case there is a need to make some adjustments once the paper chase begins in Ukraine. How does Jackson Miles Sasich sound? or Miles Christian Sasich? There are strong opinions regarding name-changing etc. and I have no desire to go into a long diatribe here. There is nothing I would like more than to keep the name you have, but we should be prepared. I have also started learning Russian and Ukrainian! My first attempt threw me for a loop. Then I found a website that teaches the Russian alphabet. This is a better way to start. I have also ordered a CD that is specifically designed for parents adopting in Ukraine and Russia. Hopefully, I will have enough words and phrases to make a positive impression on those in power and to be able to communicate my joy to you!! Oh, and we received a confirmation letter from the embassy in Kiev that they have our approval to adopt from the US CIS here in America. So, there has been some progress. That's all for now...be good, stay strong and know I am on my way!! :D XOXO ~ Dad

Dear Son,

I wonder how you are and what you are doing. I have some good news. Our dossier was translated and sent to the National Adoption Center in Kiev, Ukraine earlier this week. Now we wait for a reply/approval. It is supposed to happen in 21 business days, however, most folks have been waiting 6+ weeks before they receive word. They are already giving November appointments out, so we will be lucky if we get in December. January is not a good time to travel because of poor weather and Ukrainian holidays. So, we wait....and wait.

Today, I spoke with another "single" father who adopted his 4-year-old son, from Ukraine 2 months ago. He shared his story and it spoke to my heart.

I leave next week for Massachusettes and Rhode Island. I am looking forward to the cooler weather, but not the traveling, airports and hotels.

Star Light
Star Bright
First Star At Night
I Wish I May
I Wish I Might
Have The Wish
I Wish Tonight.....

....sleep tight my love! I will be there before you know it!

XOXOX ~ daddy

Dear son,

In January of 2004 I began a serious review of my life to date. After setting aside my fears and aprehensions, a basic core truth emerged - my desire to be a father was still burning deep inside my heart. Knowing there was no easy way to share this with my partner and knowing that most everyone was going to dismiss the idea, sighting finances, age, lifstyle etc., I addressed the issue quickly and directly. During this time, I was traveling all over the US, my brother died, and we seemed to be diving deeper and deeper into debt. Needless to say, there were not very many favorable responses. Still, I stood my ground and worked through the challenges. Finally, after receiving the "green light" from my partner, the great American paperchase began. The first form was filled out on April 8thand our dossier was completed and immediately sent via FedEx to Ukraine today, June 21st! I am excited, relieved, terrified and drained! Now we wait....more to come...

I love you, hang in there!! XOXO ~ Daddy

Dear Son,

Once again, it's been several weeks since my last entry. And once again, I have been traveling. This time, I went to Dallas, Houston, Austin, San Marcos and San Antonio. I leave this Friday for a 5-day business trip to California. There is no doubt that all this travel will come to an end once we have you home. Either, I will change positions or change jobs.

Before I left for this last trip, Nikki (one of our dogs) had something wrong with her left eye. Within days it became much worse and she had become blind. A specialist performed surgery on her to remove the eye 2 days ago. So we are taking care of her as she recovers.

Now - on to the good news! I wondered why it was taking so long for our pre-approval from the US CIS to be approved. The woman who handles these approvals is over-worked and under-paid. When I reached her, she still had not read the home study. She promised to do it immediately and call me right back. Several hours later, she called to say there were 2 things missing and I had to submit a new homestudy!! :cry: My heart sank. But somehow, the universe came together to make things happen. First, I called our Psychologist and left 2 messages. When he called me back, he explained he was out of town, but had his laptop and would make the changes and email them to me - which he did. I then called Immigration and asked them if I could hand-deliver the new home study. They agreed. When I arrived yesterday afternoon, they accepted my new home study and handed me the PRE-APPRVAL!

I then sent our American facilitator an email and she immediatley responded with 2 Power of Attorney letters to be signed and notarized. The bank was still open, so I drove there and after a long wait, the lady said they weren't allowed to notarized Power of Attorney letters outside of company business, but...since I was so patient, she would make an exception!! Yahooooooo!! Our dossier is complete!! Monday morning I will take it to the Secretary of State to have it stamped and send it to Ukraine via FedEx to be translated and submitted to the National Adoption Center for their pre-approval and invitation letter. Whew!

So, now we wait. Once the NAC receives our dossier, they have 20 business days to respond with a denial (which has never happened) or an invitation letter. Once we receive that letter, we are asked to submit a request for an appointment. This is usually 8-12 weeks after their letter. We supply our desired date and then wait for their reply with a assigned date. Then....if I don't die of sheer joy and terror, I find my way to you and bring you HOME.

You have already changed my entire life. Everything has new meaning. Sometimes my heart starts to race and I can't believe this is really happening. Then, almost frozen with fear...what makes me think I can do this? If you only knew what I am up against, what I've been through...I'm lucky to even be here...maybe I should just play things safe and take care of me. And then my mind and heart turns to you. We haven't even met and yet I KNOW you are waiting for me, needing me, expecting me...And then my heart slows and swells. Nothing can stop me from finding you and bringing you home...nothing :!:

Dear Son,

It's been almost a month since my last entry. I have a couple of excuses. First, I have been traveling all over the place - Philadelphia, Atlanta, Highlands, Phoenix and Tampa. Second, there have been some ups & downs that I thought best to keep private.

Nonetheless, I have never once stopped thinking about you and working towards bringing you home. Much progress has been made. In addition to the stuff I mentioned in a previous entry, I have received and completed the required medical forms (signed and notarized), I have completed the Petition for Adoption and the Letter of Obligation (signed and notarized). I have received my new passport made copies (signed and notarized). This morning, I am supposed to meet with a CPA to get a letter of verification of my employment and salary (signed and notarized). The last document is a Power of Attorney, which I hope to get tomorrow. And that should complete the paper chase.

All we are waiting on is the final approval from the INS. I called yesterday and they said I should have our answer in 1-2 weeks. Then, everything gets apostilled (state gov't stamp) - dossier completed. It's then sent to my facilitator/translator in Ukraine to be translated and sent to the NAC (National Adoption Center).

Then we wait....and wait...until we receive approval/invitation letter in the mail. Then, I send my requested appointment date and wait for their reply. Once a date is established, it's time to buy airline tickets and zoom (16 hrs) across the Atlantic to FIND YOU AND BRING YOU HOME!!!!

I am elated and terrified at the same time.
I love you
xoxo
dad

[url=http://www.daddyandpapa.com/i...]Daddy and Papa[/url]

Hey Buddy - there was a huge swing in your favor today - I can't really say what it is - it's a secret. But rest assured, in this game of life I asked "Mother May I...take 2 giant steps forward?" and the answer from beyond was "Yes, You May!".

<*doing a little jig*>

Nighty-nite!

XOXO

PS - Papa is doing a jig too - now that's something to see!!

Dear son,

It's time for another update. The sociologist came to the house and interviewed me. He also spent some time with papa answering questions. It lasted about 2.5 hours and was fairly simple. I spoke with the sociologist last night and the first draft should be completed and emailed to me for review no later than tomorrow morning!! In the meantime, I have already received two letter's of reference from close friends and a third is on its way. I received my FBI form and went to the office and completed my fingerprints 2 days ago. I received my employment/salary verification letter in the mail. The health insurance letter should arrive today. Once I approve and receive my final/original Home Study along with my original State background check, I will mail them to the INS. Then, wait for their pre-approval. That's enough of the process for now. More to come.

As for the home front. Papa and I continue to hash out a plan for your arrival. While your arrival is an exciting and highly anticipated event, the external and internal processes involved are stressful and scary. I have a financial plan and back-up plan in place and am willing to make concessions and adjustments along the way. However, know this - the process has begun and I will use all my might to find you and bring you home. I will not turn back or give up.

Some folks have shared conflicting opinions :evil:, some folks have been 100% supportive from the start :D, and some folks have bounced back and forth. All of this has helped me solidify and affirm my goal and promise. Hang in there little man - I'm coming!! :lol:

Love,
Dad

Dear son,

Lately, I have been amazed with the sheer number of opinions that have been shared by everyone, including my local banker, regarding your adoption. There are even those who have opinions about those who have opinions…and so on and so forth. I guess it stands to reason that there are as many opinions as there are people. Of course, there is value in everyone’s opinion, at least, that’s my opinion. By the way…what’s your opinion?

Webster’s Dictionary defines opinion:

opinion-, opinio, from opinari
1 a : a view, judgment, or appraisal formed in the mind about a particular matter b : APPROVAL, ESTEEM
2 a : belief stronger than impression and less strong than positive knowledge b : a generally held view
3 a : a formal expression of judgment or advice by an expert b : the formal expression (as by a judge, court, or referee) of the legal reasons and principles upon which a legal decision is based

Love,
Dad

[url=http://news4colorado.com/site...]Touching Ukrainian adoption story and new video clip[/url] :D

Dear little "Mishka",

Myself and a few others have started referring to you accordingly. I guess we all have this need to have and give names. I just returned from a required "Adoptive Parenting" class. We spoke about names and I shared my concern about naming you. While I have my own ideas about a nice name for you, I am well aware that you are already here and people are already calling you by a name given to you at birth. I believe it is important to honor your heritage and currently, I am of the mind to keep whatever name you already have. Or, at least keep it as your middle name. Either way, get ready for some silly nicknames like pooh bear, sweet pea, little Buddha. Your furry and feathered siblings (Nikki, Shasta and Zsa-Zsa) all have nicknames and have grown to tolerate it and so shall you – wink!

I am so anxious for your arrival! I want to be the best parent and fail at nothing! The social worker I met with today explained that my thoughts and feelings are perfectly normal (she only just met me today, give her time). She also assured me that I will make as many mistakes as all the other families out there grappling with life and all its wonderful choices.

I want you to know that I have been very busy preparing the way for you. I have filled out the required INS forms and sent in the fees. I have applied for a new passport and certified copy of my birth certificate. I just completed a mandatory class as mentioned above. We are scheduled for our "home study" for next weekend. This week I will contact the woman who will assist in coordinating room/board/interpreter once I receive approval from the National Adoption Agency in the Ukraine. I am saving my pennies to pay for all the fees, travel and other expenses. Soon, I should receive the finger print cards to do the FBI background checks on me and papa. In the mean time, I am going to buy books and subscribe to magazines and learn all I can.

If all goes smoothly, I hope to have you home by Christmas - that would be the most wonder gift in the world! So, my sweet son, please know that I am sending all my love across the ocean to you. It's only a matter of time until you are in my arms and we can begin this magical adventure together! Sweet Dreams.... I love you ~ daddy.

ok here goes:

* went to Idaho - work

* visited dear old dad aka sperm donor - haven't seen in 23 years - experience was unremarkable- which is ok.

* went to Pennsylvania - work

* went to North Carolina - work

* hubby gave the "thumbs up" to enlarge our family with a tiny human - too excited!!

* older brother hospitalized for alcohol addiction and seizures - now, in half-way house - on meds

* went to Key West - relax - unwind - eat - drink - relax

* back at home - working like dog - friends from Houston coming to visit

* going to Utah on business

* the karmic bell is ringing at work and some one may be eating crow very soon - please pass the ketchup!!!

Life is about to change.

Of course, life changes every moment. Isn't it odd that so many things, people, experiences come and go in our lives and we don't give it a second thought and then there are those that affect us deeply. How we assign value to different aspects of our life not only affects us, but all those around us. It's like a living kaleidoscope. We assign value based on how we "see" ourselves (past, present and future) and how we want to see ourselves.

And yet, this is only a matrix. One that we have created to help us define ourselves and our place in the ALL. We simply have forgotten. Unfortunately, it's the very fabric of this matrix that keeps us hidden from ourselves, from the TRUTH. We are all ONE and part of the WHOLE. Even as you hate, even as you fear, even as you deny, you cannot CHANGE this.

Life is about to change.

I am tired and want to rest, but I can’t. My mind is full of chatter. There is so much going on in my life and in the world. The ground is ripe for change. What’s coming?

I had a meltdown Saturday morning. Friday night, I left the convention center after working on “setup” all day. I had a folder with all my important papers, FedEx slips, Internet confirmation and settings, my calendar and personal bills. I set it on top of my Jeep and drove off. As I was getting ready to leave Saturday morning, I realized I was missing this folder and knew what must have happened. I started to hyper-ventilate which quickly turned to tears and sobs.

It seemed as though the universe was laughing at me and telling me “You are so tiny and insignificant; who do you think you are? You can’t possibly make your dreams come true – you are so far from ever getting what you want that you will surly fail. You can’t even keep your paperwork together and you think you are going to fly half way around the world and adopt a child?”

As I was driving to the convention, I kept one eye on the lookout for my folder and began calming myself down. Then, a voice inside of me asked…”Do you want to talk about this?” to which I replied “Is it worth it?” and the reply was a duplicate question “Is it worth it?”. A conversation began. First I answered questions with questions, which led nowhere. Then, I answered questions with answers and all became clear- instantly.

“YES, its worth it, YES, I can do it, YES, I am willing to do what it takes…no matter what. YES, I will do it by myself if and when necessary. YES, I believe in YOU and my dreams. YES, I will succeed.” And finally, “Thank you for reminding me of who I am and what I can do!”

I arrived at the convention center as the custodian was opening the doors. I walked to our exhibit booth and there on the table was my folder with all of my papers intact. Someone had found it, turned it in to the convention leaders who then left it for me at my booth. “YES!” And another “Thank you!”

I am feeling beaten down, tired and confused. Things don't always work the way we are told, think or imagine. Usually, at times like these, I silently give up on what it is I'm creating or doing and say "it's must not be meant to be". Sometimes, you just have to know when to call it quits. However, that thinking does not apply here. Giving up is not an option.

It appears there is a fork in the road. How do I proceed? If you ask my brain, the logical and safest answer says to turn left, accept my regrets and never look back. If you ask my heart, the answer is to turn right, take the risk and have hope.

Sometimes “middle ground" mysteriously appears... when all hope and logic have vanished and you are simply walking...putting one foot in front of the other...accepting that you may be lost but continuing anyway, knowing that everything always works out for the greater good - faith.

[i]“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”[/i]

Amen

Tonight, before I boarded for the last leg of my journey home, I sat in the Minneapolis terminal and watched as other people’s lives were being played out before me. I found myself transfixed on a father and his son – both German. The father was in his late 30’s and the son was 3-4 years old. The young boy was full of a quiet energy and the father was attentive, yet not overly so. Not understanding a word they were saying to each other, all I could do was observe their behaviors. The connection between the two was undeniable and beautiful. I found myself wondering if I would behave in the same way with my son. I fear I might be over-protective and over-everything. The German father seemed to have just enough involvement and just enough detachment. Is this a skill that is developed? Or a behavior that is innate?

Dear Son,

What’s in a name? There are as many different reasons behind the naming process as there are names to chose from. When I find you, you will already have a name. Should we change it? And if so, to what? Do we pick a name that has special meaning for us? Or one that has special meaning in general. We can keep your name the same and add a middle name. One of my first thoughts was to name you Miles Christian Sasich. Miles is my middle name and Christian is your papa’s middle name. I hope to know many answers once I look into your eyes – maybe your name will be one of them. I love you.

Daddy

Dear Son,

It’s funny how now I want to address all my blog entries to you. My original plans were to use this blog as a place to document my personal journey towards adoption. Ultimately, my plan is to save this blog and share it with you when the time is right. However, it seems evident that your arrival has already been written in the stars and its only a matter of time until you are home with us. One thing I should clarify - this written expression is about what’s going on with me personally. Sometimes, that will include my partner (your papa) and sometimes not. So do not fret if I use the pronoun “I” more often than “we”. Please know that this whole wonderful, exciting and scary process has enveloped both of our hearts and is already changing us and bringing us to where we need to be for your grand entrance!

Right now, I am sitting in the airport in Boise, Idaho waiting to board the first of 2 planes that will return me to Miami. My work takes me all over the United States. While I am fortunate to be able to travel and see so much of our country, it sure has given me a greater appreciation for “home”. Speaking of which, upon your arrival, I will be taking a break from work, so we can get to know each other and so I can devote all energy and time into loving and caring for you. I imagine you may experience some loneliness and anxiety over the next few months, but I know your heart can hear mine. Listen as I send comfort and listen as I send love. There is a world of wonder waiting for you with all the building blocks you need to make your dreams come true.

Love,
Daddy