Breathe Life

Life is about to change.

Of course, life changes every moment. Isn't it odd that so many things, people, experiences come and go in our lives and we don't give it a second thought and then there are those that affect us deeply. How we assign value to different aspects of our life not only affects us, but all those around us. It's like a living kaleidoscope. We assign value based on how we "see" ourselves (past, present and future) and how we want to see ourselves.

And yet, this is only a matrix. One that we have created to help us define ourselves and our place in the ALL. We simply have forgotten. Unfortunately, it's the very fabric of this matrix that keeps us hidden from ourselves, from the TRUTH. We are all ONE and part of the WHOLE. Even as you hate, even as you fear, even as you deny, you cannot CHANGE this.

Life is about to change.

I am tired and want to rest, but I can’t. My mind is full of chatter. There is so much going on in my life and in the world. The ground is ripe for change. What’s coming?

I had a meltdown Saturday morning. Friday night, I left the convention center after working on “setup” all day. I had a folder with all my important papers, FedEx slips, Internet confirmation and settings, my calendar and personal bills. I set it on top of my Jeep and drove off. As I was getting ready to leave Saturday morning, I realized I was missing this folder and knew what must have happened. I started to hyper-ventilate which quickly turned to tears and sobs.

It seemed as though the universe was laughing at me and telling me “You are so tiny and insignificant; who do you think you are? You can’t possibly make your dreams come true – you are so far from ever getting what you want that you will surly fail. You can’t even keep your paperwork together and you think you are going to fly half way around the world and adopt a child?”

As I was driving to the convention, I kept one eye on the lookout for my folder and began calming myself down. Then, a voice inside of me asked…”Do you want to talk about this?” to which I replied “Is it worth it?” and the reply was a duplicate question “Is it worth it?”. A conversation began. First I answered questions with questions, which led nowhere. Then, I answered questions with answers and all became clear- instantly.

“YES, its worth it, YES, I can do it, YES, I am willing to do what it takes…no matter what. YES, I will do it by myself if and when necessary. YES, I believe in YOU and my dreams. YES, I will succeed.” And finally, “Thank you for reminding me of who I am and what I can do!”

I arrived at the convention center as the custodian was opening the doors. I walked to our exhibit booth and there on the table was my folder with all of my papers intact. Someone had found it, turned it in to the convention leaders who then left it for me at my booth. “YES!” And another “Thank you!”

I am feeling beaten down, tired and confused. Things don't always work the way we are told, think or imagine. Usually, at times like these, I silently give up on what it is I'm creating or doing and say "it's must not be meant to be". Sometimes, you just have to know when to call it quits. However, that thinking does not apply here. Giving up is not an option.

It appears there is a fork in the road. How do I proceed? If you ask my brain, the logical and safest answer says to turn left, accept my regrets and never look back. If you ask my heart, the answer is to turn right, take the risk and have hope.

Sometimes “middle ground" mysteriously appears... when all hope and logic have vanished and you are simply walking...putting one foot in front of the other...accepting that you may be lost but continuing anyway, knowing that everything always works out for the greater good - faith.

[i]“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”[/i]

Amen

Tonight, before I boarded for the last leg of my journey home, I sat in the Minneapolis terminal and watched as other people’s lives were being played out before me. I found myself transfixed on a father and his son – both German. The father was in his late 30’s and the son was 3-4 years old. The young boy was full of a quiet energy and the father was attentive, yet not overly so. Not understanding a word they were saying to each other, all I could do was observe their behaviors. The connection between the two was undeniable and beautiful. I found myself wondering if I would behave in the same way with my son. I fear I might be over-protective and over-everything. The German father seemed to have just enough involvement and just enough detachment. Is this a skill that is developed? Or a behavior that is innate?

Dear Son,

What’s in a name? There are as many different reasons behind the naming process as there are names to chose from. When I find you, you will already have a name. Should we change it? And if so, to what? Do we pick a name that has special meaning for us? Or one that has special meaning in general. We can keep your name the same and add a middle name. One of my first thoughts was to name you Miles Christian Sasich. Miles is my middle name and Christian is your papa’s middle name. I hope to know many answers once I look into your eyes – maybe your name will be one of them. I love you.

Daddy

Dear Son,

It’s funny how now I want to address all my blog entries to you. My original plans were to use this blog as a place to document my personal journey towards adoption. Ultimately, my plan is to save this blog and share it with you when the time is right. However, it seems evident that your arrival has already been written in the stars and its only a matter of time until you are home with us. One thing I should clarify - this written expression is about what’s going on with me personally. Sometimes, that will include my partner (your papa) and sometimes not. So do not fret if I use the pronoun “I” more often than “we”. Please know that this whole wonderful, exciting and scary process has enveloped both of our hearts and is already changing us and bringing us to where we need to be for your grand entrance!

Right now, I am sitting in the airport in Boise, Idaho waiting to board the first of 2 planes that will return me to Miami. My work takes me all over the United States. While I am fortunate to be able to travel and see so much of our country, it sure has given me a greater appreciation for “home”. Speaking of which, upon your arrival, I will be taking a break from work, so we can get to know each other and so I can devote all energy and time into loving and caring for you. I imagine you may experience some loneliness and anxiety over the next few months, but I know your heart can hear mine. Listen as I send comfort and listen as I send love. There is a world of wonder waiting for you with all the building blocks you need to make your dreams come true.

Love,
Daddy

dear son,

these past few weeks, my heart has been plagued by fear and doubt. there is so much going on, so much to do and i feel like a baby myself as we embark on a journey to find you and bring you home. my partner, your papa, is also struggling with his own uncertainties. both of us feeling overwhelmed and insecure have had heavy discussions about the future. all of this is good, because it means there is dialogue and communication. we went to another gay couple's home 2 days ago and met their beautiful adopted son, Alex. He is from Russia. that was all i needed. i knew then, that somehow, we would find each other and become a family. my heart has been flowing with joy and excitement as we take 'baby steps" towards our first embrace. we are driving to a park tomorrow morning to meet other families - all different. some with 2 daddies, some with two mommies and some with only one parent. we are making friends with your future friends...preparing the way. we love you and will be with you soon. sweet dreams. daddy and papa :D